Day 30: What's Next?

I’ve got to tell you. I have looked at this blank page for way too long. Even forming the words “What’s next?” has gotten my brain spinning off into a million different directions. What is next for your community or mine? After a month of leaning into it, taking small steps, and choosing to connect, what happens after that?

I wish I knew. Oh, how I wish I could lay out a blueprint for how to help communities come together despite our challenges, for us to be able to be truly helpful to each other when our needs are so varied and often so overwhelming. I don’t know what life is going to look in my community in one week, so how can I know what steps to take to make it stronger?

Every part of these past months have reminded me of the early stages of parenting a newborn. Being stuck inside, everything being so much more complicated with so many more considerations, isolation and loneliness, and most of all, uncertainty. If, when the twins were born, you had asked me how I would ever potty train two toddlers at the same time, I would have stared at you wide-eyed and said, “I hadn’t even thought of that. Oh no.” But it turned out that the same values that help with early parenting – patience, flexibility, humor – helped with the toddler years too.

In the same way, these community values – generosity, appreciation, forbearance, self-care, etc. – are not context-specific. They apply no matter what’s going on. So when I think of what’s next, it helps me to remember that if I keep fostering these connections, I’ll know what needs doing. I won’t be able to ignore it. And with each small choice to build a community I’ll do more than just meet the future as it comes, I’ll be preparing for it by making sure that the people in my life know that we’ll have each other’s backs, no matter what.

So what’s next for you in community? How can you take just one step today to build or strengthen a connection?

Day 29: Celebrate a Small Moment

If life had been normal, I’d be in the middle of a great vacation right now. Our family would have finished up seeing tons of relatives, we would have shared the wonders of New York City and Washington D.C. with our kids for the first time, and we’d be on our way to the Georgia coast for an amazing reunion with some of my favorite people in the whole world. And then next week would have been a short jaunt to Disney World, the happiest place on earth.

Instead, we’ve celebrated the 4th of July with a fire in the firepit and some smores. That’s it. There won’t be fireworks or parties and there certainly won’t be any vacations for awhile. We’re all grieving those losses but I can’t just try not to look back. That doesn’t work for me. I need to look forward to what I can celebrate. Which brings me to all the little things.

Even aside from a pandemic, community rarely works out the way I expect it to. The nature of relationships, human frailty, and the unexpected nature of life means that my plans often remain just plans. Learning to celebrate the small moments ensures that I will notice the good even in the midst of uncertainty. It keeps my eyes on the prize. So many of the big things are outside of our control. But the little things? We can always be sure there will be some goodness to be found.

And when we find it, I believe we owe it to our community to call it out. To tell each other, “Look, here is the goodness. It wasn’t all bad after all.” We get to tell our people how proud we are of them, or how far we’ve seen them come, or how blessed we have been by their actions. We get to hang up a little celebration banner for everyone to see.

Even if it’s small. Maybe especially if it’s small. That toddler finally sleeping through the night? Celebration. You finished the presentation made even more stressful by video conferencing? Celebration. Those flowers you planted are blooming? Celebration.

What small thing can you celebrate for your community today?

Day 28: Rest Day

It’s a rest day again! Today, I’d like you to consider going back over this last week and just thinking over things.

What was good about this week? What was bad about it? How are you handling the challenges life is facing you?

What are you looking forward to? What is stressing you out? How can you build in small breaks during your days to help you overcome those challenges and stressors?

Can you find some time to do work that makes you come alive? What does that work look like?

Then, consider doing a couple things that fill your bucket. Get outside, take a nap, read a good book, eat something delicious, or even just breathe deeply for a few moments.

Take care and rest up.

Day 27: Meet a Practical Need

I often think about how the best moments of my life are often caused by the smallest things. A rough afternoon can be transformed by a hug. An overwhelming day can be overwritten by a movie and some popcorn. A hopeless moment can be renewed with a cup of tea and sympathy. It is both infuriating and amusing to me that my self, with all of my dreams and plans and ideas, is contained within a body that can be sidelined if I fail to eat, sleep, or move enough. And the flip side, even the most frustrating moments can be overpowered by something as simple as a cool glass of water and a couple of deep breaths. How is it true that we’re so easily swayed?

When caring for our friends and community, we can’t forget that sometimes the best help is the most practical. There is a reason that we all think of casseroles when we hear of births, deaths, and all the hard parts in between. Food doesn’t fix everything, but not much can get fixed when we’re not fed. Plus, if you don’t know what to say, it’s always nice to have the fallback of, “Here, eat this.”

Beyond just the physical, when we meet practical needs, we’re communicating something deeper. There is great humility in showing up when someone has had terrible news, with nothing in hand but a pot of chicken soup. It’s almost comical how inadequate that is. At the same time, what is communicated is, “I’m here, and at least for the time being, I’ll do the ‘taking care of’ part, and you can do the ‘not being ok’ part.”

If you, like me, have had moments that changed everything forever, you know that those necessary but practical needs start to slip. It’s hard to figure out what to make for dinner on a good night, let alone when my brain is coping with a new reality. Having a community that handles those details gives us time to just process and rest, while reminding us that even in the most devastating circumstances, we’re not alone.

How can you meet a practical need for someone in your community today? How have you been helped by someone meeting your needs in the past?

Day 25: Practice Forbearance in The Small Things

There has been a lot of shouting about our rights these days. Our rights to normalcy, to choosing whether or not to wear a mask, to send our kids to school in the fall, to open businesses that will fail without income. I’m not sure that all of those are truly our God-given rights, although if I’m still homeschooling in the fall, I believe the girls and I will all be shipped off to an asylum before next Christmas. Seriously. God help us if rainy season comes and we’re still stuck in this house.

At the same time, in community, we have to expect that our rights will get ignored or even trampled at times. We all deserve to be treated with kindness, to be respected, to be appreciated for our hard work and to have help when we’re going through a rough time. But we live in the real world where real people sometimes act badly and we have to decide what we’re going to do with that. Are we going to hold a grudge, always remembering that when we were in need, they didn’t show up? Are we going to wait until we are ready to forgive, allowing our justifiably hurt feelings to decide how and when our community will continue?

Sometimes living in the real world with real people means we don’t have the luxury of resentment or of the time it takes to forgive. I’m not saying forgiveness isn’t important, just that forgiveness is about us and our emotions. Forbearance is about our community. It’s a conscious act that sets aside our legitimate grievance and says, “I deserve better. But I am not going to require recompense.”

Forbearance is tricky because it can be so misused. How often have I been encouraged to paper over transgressions that needed a response? How often have I felt that I had to let something go because I didn’t want to make a stink? How often have I silently held onto a grudge because I didn’t feel like I’d ever had a chance to actually choose whether or not I held someone accountable?

Before we practice forbearance in community, we have to get comfortable with the idea of conflict. You can’t choose between conflict and forbearance if you’re too afraid to ever disagree. That’s not laying down your rights, it’s pretending false harmony is actually forbearance. So we need to practice forbearance with the little things.

Things like deciding to actually have conversations about the small things that drive you nuts, allowing for small conflicts. Things like letting people go ahead of you in line even though it’s really not their turn and they are 100% butting in line. Things like wearing a mask when it feels so strange and makes you feel like the world has turned upside down and you don’t even know if any of this even matters. We practice with the small things, so when the big moments come, we’re ready to make the choice that’s right for us and our community, whether that’s forbearance or recompense.

Day 24: Allow Difference to Enrich You

No matter how far we get into community, no matter how close we get to our friends, or how copacetic we feel our community is, there will be inevitable conflicts and misunderstandings between us. Sometimes, in my low moments, I assume this is because everyone but me is a selfish jerk who never puts anyone else first. After taking a few deep breaths, though, I usually realize that those conflicts come from the exact qualities that I also cherish. The very things that drive me crazy about my friends are the things that I love.

My friends who are funny, quick-witted and insightful? Also sometimes have a sharp tongue and make a comment or two that hits too close to home. The person who is always up to host, willing to cook for a horde of people? All those organizational skills sometimes turn to rigidity. The guy who can hold a conversation with anyone, willing to go with the flow and be flexible? Sometimes he goes with the flow so long that he shows up an hour late.

In life, we get to decide what we’re going to focus on. Too often, I notice the sharp comments, rigidity, and tardiness rather than the humor, generosity, and friendliness. But if I can change where I point my lens, I’m not only going to be less resentful, but I can allow those differences to enrich my entire community. We need people of many varied talents, if only to make sure all the work gets done. It gives me great hope to see people coming together, offering what they have to build a community worth being a part of.

More than that, this living business can get exhausting. Between work, family, health, and general life management, most of us don’t have time or energy for one more task. But each of us has some thing that, while it is productive, just doesn’t quite feel like work. Maybe that’s helping out by holding a baby, or sending out weekly reminder emails, or even offering yard work services to a friend in need. If each of us moves into our unique skills, all the jobs will get done, without the burn out. And if they don’t? Maybe that stuff wasn’t as essential as we thought it was.

How can you enrich your community today by using your skills and passion?

Day 23: Look at Conflicts With New Eyes

The most annoying thing about being around other people is that sometimes, other human beings are the worst. Really, truly, the most annoying, frustrating things on earth. And it’s not even their fault. Sometimes they just think unimportant things are really meaningful, or they completely ignore the deep slights they have caused us. Just the other day, someone asked me to drop something off at dinnertime. At dinnertime! When I am busy with my kids and everyone is grumpy and I’ve already changed into my pajamas and what kind of a monster could think that was ok? Or, once, someone totally misinterpreted my completely innocent joke and it became a thing that we all had to talk through when I didn’t even mean anything by it. What is their problem?

When I have these seemingly stupid conflicts where either someone’s insensitivity or oversensitivity seem ridiculously outsized, I always have to remind myself to take a step back. As living meaning-makers, human beings will apply meaning to everything. We’re like a suburban mom who just got a label-maker and suddenly finds herself labelling the fridge and dishwasher. But those meanings that we give things aren’t universally understood. The meaning of dinnertime to me is very different to a lot of people. To me, dinnertime is the transition from busy day into family time. We get fed and start to wind down for the day. For another person, dinnertime might be just another hour, albeit one in which you get to eat.

When we look at things through a values lens, though, we start to see where the conflict is. For me, keeping dinnertime peaceful reflects my values of organization, mealtime as connection time, and self-care in that eating food in peace helps me make healthier choices. For another person, their values of flexibility and spontaneity might mean that the best moment to do something is right now, whenever that may be.

Looking at it that way, it doesn’t look like such a big conflict after all. Maybe they can come pick up the thing. Or that flexibility will give them understanding for my inability to come right now. When we’ve taken time to build strong connections, we can’t let something as common as a misunderstanding get in the way of our friendships. And we can rely on those connections to withstand the natural storms of life.

When have you gotten in a disagreement just to realize it was an unintentional values mismatch? How did it work out?

Day 22: The Practice of Kind Questions

Forrest and I have been stuck in the same house together for almost four months now. There are moments where, no matter how well I know him, I have no idea why he is doing something. Why are you loading the dishwasher so loudly while I am clearly trying to relax? Why are you saying that you’re coming to bed in a minute and then not? Why are you existing in this space when I clearly just want to be alone?!?

Now, obviously, quarantine is getting to us all a little bit, but that’s all the more reason to engage in what I call The Practice of Kind Questions. I am sure that someone, somewhere has written a book on this but I learned it from a few friends of mine who always seem to react to someone’s inexplicable decisions with curiosity. When it’s happening, it really is a sight to behold.

We all know people who seemingly make one weird decision after another and every single time, I’m left shaking my head and usually thinking they’re either dumb, selfish, or oblivious to the people around them. If I ask questions, they’re usually like the ones I listed above – definitely not kind. But when practicing kind questions, that curiosity opens my mind to the possibility that those choices might make sense, in a way I just haven’t seen yet.

Questions like, “What will that mean for you?” or, “How did you get to this choice?” when said with real interest help open up a conversation. Maybe there’s more going on than we know. Maybe they meant it to be helpful but misread the situation. Maybe they’re moving towards some goal we haven’t heard about. Maybe, in Forrest’s case, he’s trying to do the dishes so I don’t have to, he’s trying to get caught up on the work he’s been missing, and finally, he misses hanging out with me.

My judgment is going to get us into a fight, but kind questions will help unlock the pieces that I just haven’t thought of. In community, when our relationships are even less close, there’s no substitute for genuine curiosity in the face of difference. It’s the only way to learn what makes each other tick.

How can you use kind questions today? How has curiosity defused tense situations before?

Day 21: Rest Day

It’s a rest day again! If you’ve been following this and done a few of these rest days, I’d like to invite you to take a moment to look back at what you chose to do last week or the week before. Did it work? Was it more trouble than it was worth? Did it seem relaxing but not really give you the best bang for your buck? What was more bucket-filling than expected? What seemed silly but really helped you recharge?

Now, go after those things that really helped. Maybe they were one-time things and the novelty was what really helped. Today would be a great day to find that out. Or maybe you’ve picked up a new self-care habit.

How can you keep taking care of yourself today?

Day 20: Choose Gratitude

Most Mondays around here, we have family meetings where we decide, discuss and solve problems. It mostly works, I suppose. My favorite part is the last section, in which we force everyone in the family to go around and appreciate something about every other person. It is sometimes really easy (“Thanks for making me my favorite meal, mom!”) and sometimes really hard (“Thanks for….thanks for…thanks for…not always being the most annoying sister in the world.”) Appreciations are, however, essential after group decision making that can sometimes get a little bit contentious. Let’s just say, three sisters in one room requires a lot of discussion on what exactly “lights out” means vis a vis flashlights, reading under the covers, and even sometimes the exact angle at which the door to the hallway is open.

Those final appreciations remind us that even when our connections are strained, there is good in each other. This is no less important in our larger communities. Other people can be aggravating. They can be rude, unintentionally hurtful and occasionally just straight up jerks. And when those moments come, it can help to choose gratitude. To remember the times those jerks showed up to help out with sick kids, or brought meals, or even just let you vent for a long time about a stupid work problem.

Even with gratitude, we might need to have hard conversations, set up new boundaries we didn’t think we needed, and call people out for bad behavior. Coming to those conversations with at least a few grateful thoughts can help change our perspective. It can affirm that those strong connections aren’t just between us, a perfect angel, and them, the worst person in the whole wide world. It can remind us that when we have struggled, they have been there for us, putting up with our bad behavior. It can allow us to take those hard moments and use them to create better friendships and more understanding communities.

How can you choose gratitude in your community today?

Day 19: Be Gentle With Yourself

When we’re building or deepening community, it’s essential to be open, honest, and occasionally vulnerable with our people. But each of those values brings with it risk. Risk that our openness, honesty, and vulnerability will be unappreciated or even rejected. And the more open we are, the more that hurts.

It’s easy to get mad, to want to defend against what feels like a rejection of your very soul. Rethinking boundaries after someone hurts you isn’t the worst idea in the world. We don’t owe our vulnerability to anyone. We get to choose how and when to share that part of ourselves. At the same time, before making any decisions, it’s important to allow yourself time and space.

I call it “cocooning.” Whenever I’ve been either especially vulnerable or had my vulnerability rejected in community, I allow/require myself to take some time to metaphorically curl up. I head back to my self-care standards. I don’t watch sad tv or read stressful books. Often, I return to stories that have given me comfort in the past. (Forrest always knows I’m struggling when he sees me pick up a book by L.M. Montgomery.) Often, I feel foolish. What grown person needs to return to TV reruns when she feels overexposed?

I do. And maybe so do you. We’re not gentle enough with ourselves. I don’t think we were ever taught to be. Gentleness does not mean excusing bad behavior. It doesn’t mean I don’t have to treat other people with respect and dignity. What it does mean is that I accept my humanity. I accept that some days I will be on fire, at my best, a force to be reckoned with. And some days? I’m allowed to go through the motions and then veg on the couch. And those days happen especially when I’ve been hurt or put myself out there. I’m not a robot. I need to recover.

The key here is that “cocooning” doesn’t last forever. For me, it’s usually a day or two. For you, it might be different. But either way, I cannot allow past pain to keep me from a fully-lived live. If we want strong connections, we must be willing to keep showing up, again and again. Recovery is part of that cycle.

So, today, how can you be gentle to yourself?

Day 17: Practice Vulnerability

On Saturday morning, I went out for a run. Since we’ve been stuck in quarantine, I’ve been sticking to my exercise habit as those 30 minutes are often the only time I’m alone (and yes, I’m including bathroom time. My kids don’t understand why they can’t just talk to me through the door). I’ve been using a running app that gradually makes my workouts harder and at 2.25 miles, this was going to be the longest I’d ever run without a break. We live at the top of a hill so no matter which way I start running, the beginning of my run will be downhill and the end will be uphill. Around the end of mile two, I’d run roughly 1 mile gently downhill, and 1 mile gently uphill. Now, I don’t know about other people, but sometimes I’d rather a short, brutal hill rather than a relentless slog that seems to never end.

As I was just hearing the app tell me I’d reached mile 2, I saw a car go by and a friend waved from the passenger seat. I waved as well as I could but I was hot, sweaty, red-faced, tired and just wanting to get the final quarter mile done. As soon as I got home, I said to Forrest, “You will not believe what just happened. Of course, it couldn’t have been at the beginning when I was probably all jaunty and energetic. I looked like I was two steps away from having a heart attack.”

The vulnerability of exercising in public is one that it has taken me a long time to get over. But practicing that type of small vulnerability has been really helpful for building connections. It’s hard to show our true selves, whether that’s by sharing uncomfortable emotions or appearing less-than-kempt while exercising. But each time we do, we give ourselves and others that much more permission to be vulnerable with us.

I don’t know how many people see me out running. I honestly wish to keep believing that I’m invisible while running. But there’s an older woman who I used to see running every day. She moved slowly, painstakingly up these same hills. Her hair has grown grey over the decade we’ve lived here and, still, every day I saw her out moving. I see her now, walking, and every time I think about the vulnerability she showed in being less-than-kempt and how it gave me that little bit of confidence to get out there.

How can you practice small vulnerability today? Have there been any moments where someone’s vulnerability inspired you?

Day 16: Build Safe Places

There’s a cycle in our house. Some kid seems to be off the walls, pushing past boundaries and generally making life unpleasant in every possible way. We all try everything – asking if they’re ok, fun distracting activities, punishments, and alone time, until finally, finally something unlocks and whatever it is that’s been bothering them comes out. It is an exhausting routine, but with time and experience, we’re all getting better at saying things like, “When you get like this, there’s usually something bigger going on. When you figure out what that is, let me know. Until then, you need to knock it off.” This works about 10% of the time.

I’m not sure why this keeps happening but I think it might have to do with them testing and making sure that really, truly, we are safe people before they share their deep feelings with us. While it still drives me nuts, I understand. Vulnerability can be dangerous and I think we all instinctively know that we need to be wise about who we open up to.

This isn’t because people are mean, or intentionally hurtful. It’s just that not everyone is able to meet vulnerability with empathy. Or maybe they can in some situations, but others mean something different to them than they do to you, and their reactions can be shaming. In community, the goal is to allow people to be their true selves, but that doesn’t mean sharing all the deeply felt pains at every moment.

It’s important to know, what makes you feel safe enough to be vulnerable? Who makes you feel heard and seen and appreciated? What or who helps you when you’re feeling exposed, embarrassed or ashamed? How can you extend that to the people in your life? Yes, it will differ from person to person, but knowing what helps you is a good place to start.

How can you begin to create places where vulnerability can thrive?

Day 15: Relaxing in Community

Up here in rainy Washington State, it feels like it has been dreary forever. Some years, summer comes in May, but this year, it looks like we’re going to have to wait until July to feel the warmth of the sun again. All of which means I keep watching TV shows and movies about tropical paradises and wishing I could be laying in a hammock on a beach.

Of course, even if I were in Hawaii, I wouldn’t be laying in a hammock. I’d be running around with the kids, swimming, getting snacks, making sure sunscreen was on, and dealing with the thousand little tasks that I already have to do here at home. The key, for me, isn’t going to some relaxing place, it’s learning how to relax in the place I’m in.

Community is much the same as my family. I can’t make hosting a dozen people easy. It’s not the hardest thing to do, but you have to be “on”. You have to clean and cook, and be friendly and helpful and welcoming and it won’t be relaxing for them if you can’t figure out how to relax into it.

Ask yourself today, what makes me most comfortable in group gatherings? Is it close friends you trust? Is it activities to keep kids occupied? Is it premade food? A comfy chair? As long as it’s not hurting anyone else, make those things a priority. The more relaxed you are, the more relaxed everyone else can be.

How can you make community easier today?

Day 14: Rest Day

It’s time for that self-care thing again. I’m getting to the age where self-care isn’t optional, but a requirement for my body to keep working well. It’s a little humbling to be continually reminded that I am, in fact, subject to the whims of my mortal coil. But since that’s going to be true either way, I might as well give in and make good choices.

Today, ask yourself: what do I need? Not want – but need. Do you need to get outside for a bit? Or move more than you have been? Do you need to take a nap or do some meditation? Do you need to call a close friend and connect for a little while?

True rest is often more about what we choose to do than what we choose not to. So today, I’ll be choosing to eat delicious food, do a crossword puzzle, and celebrate Father’s Day with my husband. I’m looking forward to it.

What will you do today that refills your bucket?

Day 13: Lower Your Expectations

I’ve been told I have high expectations. I’m not sure how that can be true because every few months I need to change my vision, yet again, to something less bold, less grand, and in the case of my house, less organized, clean and quiet. When I first started working on connection building, I’ll admit, I had big plans for families so connected we always got along, and grand plans for a life full of people but without annoyances and frustrations.

Perhaps my expectations were a bit too high on that one. Think, for a moment, of the best community moment you can imagine. Kids playing, adults laughing, maybe some music playing in the background as everyone eats delicious food. Sounds pretty nice, right? Ok, now lower your expectations. Those kids are going to fight at some point and someone will definitely get hurt during that game of tag. They will annoy you for dessert approximately 100 times in the next 15 minutes. The grown ups are laughing but at some point someone will say something insensitive and someone will get annoyed. The music might work but maybe there’s tech issues and as for the food? Ok, maybe the food can taste good.

This is still a good community gathering. It’s just a real one. Part of being connected is allowing people to be their real selves and that means you get to see the tantrums and annoyances, you get to hear that person talk on and on about the job you don’t really understand and that is a good thing because they need to talk about it somewhere because it’s weighing on them and it doesn’t matter that you don’t get it. It can be hard for me (and maybe you) to let go of the ideal, but those seemingly less-than-perfect moments of community end up being the most meaningful of all.

What moments have failed your expectations but turned out to be true moments of connection?

Day 12: Remember You are Enough

Lately, my kiddos have been having a lot of sad thoughts. I think it’s from being stuck home, away from friends and school and normalcy of all kinds. A lot of days, I spend time reminding them that they are good at things, they are clever, imaginative, and kind. And then we talk about the “bully in their brain.” You all know what I mean. The bully in your brain is the one who tells you that you can’t do things, or that even if you could, you wouldn’t do them right, or that even if you did, no one would notice.

In our family, we name those bullies, just to remind ourselves that they’re not our true selves. Names like Malfoy and Umbridge, or sometimes Jerky Jerkface and Stinky Pooppants. It’s alarming to me that even my 8 year olds can identify these thoughts and they’ll sometimes listen to them. Because even at 3 decades older, I still have to tell Jerky Jerkface to keep her stupid mouth shut.

When it comes to community, those voices can come out in full force. And they take hold because they’re right sometimes. I can’t build community on my own and if I did, it wouldn’t be right. But that’s not because I’m bad at things; it’s because community requires each of our talents and my job is simply to offer what I have. Because what I have is enough.

Enoughness is a mantra I have to repeat every day. There is something insidious in our culture that tries to remind us, every day, that nothing we ever do will be enough to make a difference. Our vote doesn’t count. Our work will be forgotten or undone by someone coming after us. Even the small acts of love we do – gifts, good meals, kind words – will fade away as soon as our attention is on something else.

That’s just Jerky Jerkface talking again. As we build our community, there will be plenty of times when you alone are not enough to make it all work. That’s not a bad thing. It means there’s room for other people to bring their own unique insights and gifts. Today, consider telling that mean voice to shove off and remind yourself that what you bring is enough. Just make sure you keep bringing it.

Day 11: Explore What Works and What Doesn't

Tonight our meal plan has me scheduled to make salmon cooked in a coconut curry sauce. It’s a delicious meal, not terribly hard, and I certainly enjoy it. But we rarely make it. Tomorrow I’m making chicken adobo, which is probably slightly easier to make, also delicious, and a staple at our house. Why the difference? Well, the children hate the one and love the other. Plus, the salmon leftovers don’t keep and chicken adobo will feed us for two nights.

I’m not sure if everyone does the “will they eat it/will there be leftovers/how long does this take” calculation when it comes to food, but I am sure there is some area of your life where you don’t choose perfectly good things just because the work/reward ratio is too high. It makes sense. Adulthood brings with it a lot of mundane effort and why not make choices that give you the most bang for your buck?

We need to bring this mentality into our connection building efforts as well. Sometimes a lot of hard work is worth it, because the reward is so great. And sometimes we stumble upon small life hacks that we can’t believe are so easy and yet bring so many benefits. And unfortunately, sometimes we work our butts off for some assumed future benefit, just to have it fizzle out and come to nothing.

As you continue moving more and more into community, keep checking in with yourself. Did that do what I wanted it to do? Did is exceed my expectations? Was it more work than I thought it would be? Did it feel “worth it”? Was I frustrated and overwhelmed at the end? How could I make this easier or more fruitful?

How can you examine and explore how to make community work for you and your people today?

Day 10:

I think a lot of us have been pushed to our limits over the last few months. Whether that has been the limits of our time, patience, or money, we’re hitting the wall. Just last night I said to Forrest, “I have so much to do and usually, I would just do one of those Saturdays where I go sit in the library and work all day but our weekends are so full of house work that I don’t have time then anyway.”

In some ways, being pushed to our limits is good. We know how much we can stand then and usually, it’s more than we would have predicted. But if we do it for too long, it breaks connection. I would be lying if I pretended that this quarantine has been happy family times for us. We’ve had good moments, yes, but everyone at their limits does not lend itself to harmony.

That’s why, in community, it’s good to think about limits before you hit them. What drives you crazy? What is too overwhelming? What behavior hurts you? What moments in the past have hit you harder than you expected them to?

I think it’s hard for many of us to accept that we have limits, especially in relationships. How is it legitimate that I don’t want to join you on a fun multi-family hike? Am I really so immature that I can’t stand to have people make fun of my hair going grey? Why am I nervous to cook for the potluck?

But whether we like them or not, our limits exist. Maybe we can work on stretching and growing, but not until we accept, without judgement, that our limits exist. Figure it out before someone pushes on a tender spot so you can gently let them know that this is a line for you. It’s ok to not be ok with some things.

Day 9: Simplify Your Life

When Marie Kondo’s book first became known to me about 7 years ago, I’ll admit, I bristled at the idea that I would need to throw out all of my things and live as a minimalist. I like my clutter. I like my mementos and I like having things that I need at my fingertips. It wasn’t until some friends of mine started really going through the process of simplifying their possessions that I saw what it all meant.

I’ve still not done the KonMari method, but I get it now. When we have too much stuff, it keeps us from enjoying what really makes us happy. I feel the same way about habits, commitments, and the general busyness that can fill up our lives. It is hard to connect with other people when we’re so focused on what’s next to do.

In some ways, I think many of us have had to slow down of late and reevaluate, so it’s a great time, as we start to rebuild, to think about simplifying. When it comes to community, that means worrying less about the state of the house and just having people over anyway. Or making choices that make connection easier – meeting outside at a park, or rotating houses, or deciding to deepen connections in a place where you already are rather than starting a whole new thing.

Sometimes it does mean cutting something out. We’ve had to limit the number of activities our kids participate in because it cuts into family time. And our kids have chosen to give up activities that cut into our weekly dinner with our friends. For them, it’s simplifying their lives so they can do what makes them happiest – being with the people they love.

What can you simplify today?