Day 8: Making Community Hospitable

Hospitality wasn’t a word I grew up hearing a lot about. It wasn’t that my family didn’t host people – we did, and I believe well, given that they kept coming back. But hospitality seemed like such a Southern thing, all verandas and sweet tea, slow pace and relaxed afternoons. When I grew up, having people over meant kids running around, crockpots full of food, and loud and lively discussions from the grown-ups table. Hospitality didn’t quite encompass the chaos I remember.

As I’ve grown, I’ve realized that hospitality is just making spaces easy to inhabit for your guests. It doesn’t mean comfortable couches and an always-full wine glass, although it can. It doesn’t mean slow, peaceful teatimes, although it can. It doesn’t mean a beautifully set table and floral arrangements, although it can.

Hospitality is about putting the needs of other people first. Back before coronavirus, I might have said something about having toys available for visiting kids, or asking about food restrictions, or being willing to travel to see someone rather than host if that’s preferred. These days, it might mean something as seemingly novel as wearing a mask to make other people feel safe. It might mean figuring out how to use a new program to talk online or even waiting patiently to see people until they are ready to see you.

While you’re starting to build the kind of community you want to pursue, make sure you’re doing it with not just your own ideas in mind. Pay attention to what makes people comfortable. Ask questions about how to make things easier. It will be so appreciated.

How can you make your community more hospitable today?

Day 7: Rest Day

I’ve always found it necessary to set aside times to rest and recharge. If I don’t do it on purpose, it doesn’t happen for me. I used to be able to get those moments when the girls were in school, but these days, I’m a teacher and a mom and a writer. So now, Sunday afternoons are that for me.

I’d like to encourage you, whether you’re working on this community thing or not, to take some true self-care time this afternoon. The world is chaotic right now and there is hard work to be done, both in ourselves and to help others. But pouring from an empty bucket is not a good idea. Even if time proves scarce, take 15 minutes to do one thing that feeds you. Can you sit outside? Can you savor a cup of coffee? Can you sit and close your eyes and just breathe for a little while?

It’s not weakness to need a break. I have found that it takes great strength for me to admit and embrace that rest is as important as work. When I am in my most difficult moments, I don’t know how to slow down and rest. I get harried, frustrated, and brittle. There’s a lot of vulnerability in admitting that we can’t just muscle through and that our bodies and minds require us to care for them.

Consider today caring for yourself, even if it’s only for a few moments.

Day 6: Explore Your Values

Forrest and I spend winter having many lively debates about what to grow in our garden. (I know, kids, adult life is glamorous.) He likes to grow the plants we like best and lots of them. I think if it were up to him, he’d plant 3 full beds each of potatoes, lettuce, and onions. They’re guaranteed successes and pretty low maintenance. Me, on the other hand, I like to have a variety. I’m always wanting to try the weird multicolored tomatoes or the new type of watermelon, both of which will be a pain in the butt to grow and maybe not even produce anything before our short summer is over.

The ideal garden for us looks very different and those differences reflect our values. We end up debating those values for what seems like hours and then figuring out some sort of compromise. But before we started spending long, boring winter evenings talking about it, we just drove each other crazy, both of trying to achieve our own goals within the same small space.

Community can be similarly conflicting. It means different things to different people. When you think of community, what do you think of? Do you imagine knowing everyone at the grocery store, greeting people on the street, and feeling like your neighborhood is connected? Or do you want a close-knit group of friends who you can count on for anything and who help each other out in real ways? Or do you want an activated group of citizens working to make your town better in some way?

Each of these conceptions reflects your values. When we’re figuring out how to turn connection habits into a community, it can seem overwhelming. There are so many people, so many opportunities to pursue and of course, if we’re not careful, we’ll burn out. So start leaning into connection building habits but at the same time, start asking yourself, what am I interested in building?

Do you want a community marked by friendliness, hospitality, and openness? Do you want loyalty, trust, and mutual support? Do you want vision, optimism, and progress from your community? When I look at this list, I think, well, I want them all. Ask yourself today, which do I want most?

Day 5: Take the First Step

One of the hardest parts of building connection-oriented habits is that they don’t always work. I don’t even remember the number of times I tried to reach out and make friends with someone who was too busy or just not interested in being in my life. And even as a fully grown-up woman, it’s, at best, embarrassing. Sometimes it brings me straight back to middle school.

But life is lived by those who show up. So, consider today taking a step towards community, whatever that means for you. Invite someone out on a walk. Call that person you’ve been meaning to talk to. Wave to the neighbor. It’s extra hard right now with all of the restrictions but the one thing I have learned is that progress is often the culmination of small steps taken regularly.

At the same time, it’s not just small steps taken blindly, ignoring everything but what you want to do. Ask questions when you reach out. What have they been needing? If someone doesn’t respond, listen to that. Maybe they don’t have space in their life for something new. And listen to yourself. Building community is slow work and discouraging. Remind yourself of the value of this work.

Consider taking just one small step today.

Day 4: Build a New Habit

Recently, I’ve been trying to get back onto a regular exercise routine. With one worldwide catastrophe and another, my schedule has been out of whack. And unfortunately, I don’t generally have the desire or motivation to just decide to go out for a run. So, I’m either depending on outside motivation from my kids wanting to get out there, or just not taking care of my body.

I feel like the same thing is happening with my connections to other people as well. All of the external supports to my community have fallen away. The usual connection points – school drop off, coffee shops, regular meetings – no longer exist and it’s hard to maintain the motivation to pursue those small but meaningful moments.

So, even though I’ve been trying to build connection-oriented habits for a long time, I’m finding myself leaning back on that value again. I’m trying to find a predictable time, place and way to connect with the people in my community. It’s a good thing that connections don’t have to look a certain way. The Zoom call can serve the same purpose as a coffee date. But I still have to make them a habit.

So today, consider looking at your schedule and adding one consistent connection habit. Is that a weekly video chat? A daily call to someone while you’re cooking dinner? A walk after dinner where you wave and greet people you see?

And then help yourself achieve it. Set a reminder on your phone. Send out the Zoom invitation right now and make it recurring. Text a friend to set up a time to talk. Use this moment of motivation to start building new habits.

Day 3: Resources

Now that you’ve thought about what is needed, start thinking about what you have to offer. I think the key to examining available resources is not to discount anything and to not judge yourself based on what you think you should offer. There is some part of me that thinks that the food I serve should be gourmet level, that people who walk into my house should be excited to see what new, inventive, delicious meal I have on offer today. The reality is that I find cooking for large crowds exhausting, and so usually, if it’s more than just my family, the food will either be from a crockpot or a casserole dish. And that’s ok.

It’s ok if you live in a tiny apartment and can’t host a ton of people. It’s ok if you don’t have the organization to pull together a regular game night complete with potluck and rotating hosting duties. It’s ok if your life is just very overwhelming right now in every way and you barely have the time to put on pants. (Ok, if you’re in that third one, go back to day 1 and get your self-care on. You deserve it.)

What do you have? Is there a park near your house where people could get together? Do you have knowledge of a sport that can be played as a group? Do you own an Instant Pot? Do you know a lot of people? Do you own a lot of board games? Do you like to read and discuss books? Use it. And more than using it, find people who have complementary abilities who can help you. List out what a good community gathering would require in your mind. Figure out what you are able to provide and then who you can ask to help out.

Most of all, be generous with yourself. Community is not made up of the efforts of just one person, although you may be doing a bit of heavy lifting at the beginning. You are but one piece of this puzzle and that’s the way it should be.

What resources do you have to build your community today?

Day 2: Needs

Back when I was in grad school, one of the first tools we learned to use was a needs assessment. When someone is in crisis, the first thing to do was to look deeply at what was needed. This is important, because what looks like the core need is often not at all what is needed. Just Saturday, Rowan was upset because the light she has isn’t bright enough for reading by at bedtime, and so she needed me to buy her a new teal clip-on bedside lamp immediately and no, not that teal one, she doesn’t like the buttons, it must be the teal one she saw in a catalog 3 months ago and how could I not remember which one she wanted?

The stated need is a brighter light for bedtime. And while that may be a problem in her life, my instincts led met to explore further and together, we realized that she’s sad and, like many of us, she thought buying a new shiny thing would help her feel better. It probably would, for awhile, but the sad wouldn’t go away, not really, because what she’s sad about is she can’t see any of the people she loves and her birthday is next week and there will be no friends there. (If you look back at my past blogs – I called it, didn’t I? Supermom!)

Community (or a lack thereof) can look the same. What seems like frustration might be loneliness, what seems like too little time might be misplaced priorities. So, try thinking deeply today. What is missing? Is it hard conversations about past hurts? Is it consistent scheduling that makes it easy to get together? Is a lack of vulnerability getting in the way of connection?

What are you missing in your community today?

Day 1: Fill Your Bucket

The first thing that always needs doing is self-care. The only thing I can pour from an empty bucket is the weird, gross sludge at the bottom and no one wants that. Self-care is about connection to yourself. Physically, emotionally and spiritually, we need to have enough energy, patience and inspiration to make changes in our life. 

Physically, what do you need today? More rest? To get outside? Some dessert? What will help your body work better?

Emotionally, how can you rest? What brings you peace? It’s ok to tune out for awhile or to engage with feelings of fear, anger or sadness you haven’t been. Self-care is about letting go of the idea that you always have to be ok and doing what it takes so that when you re-enter the world, you’re effective.

Spiritually, what connects you to the transformative? To a greater sense of humanity’s connectedness or to a larger spiritual reality? It can be prayer or meditation or something as simple as a really good story well-told or a long walk in a beautiful place. How can you remind yourself that there is good in the world and you are a part of it?

Get yourself ready for community building. It’s hard work, but it’s good work.

"People As Things": 30 Days of Community

Like all people, I’ve been watching with pain and sadness as our world has gotten increasingly desperate over the last months. Like many people, I’ve been sitting in my house wondering what I can do to make it better. How can we get to a place where we can’t bear to see other human beings hurt? How can we get to a place where the value of a human life is more than any property? The late, great Terry Pratchett described the origin of sin as “thinking of people as things” and I’ve rolled those words around in my mind for hours and hours. People as things, people as things. How do we come back from that? Because I know I think of people as things far too often - obstacles between me and what I need, entertainment for a boring afternoon, robots who, when paid, should give me what I want without complaint.

It wasn’t until I started leaning into this whole community thing that I forced myself to see that all of the people around me are the protagonists in their own story. They aren’t side characters in my quest. I started recognizing faces, learning stories and eventually gaining the courage to be more than a bystander, but trying to actively make those lives easier where I could.

That’s why I wrote my book. But it’s also the passion of my life. I wanted to jump into a 30 day series on doing the internal work that prepares you (and me!) for advocacy, but I think that first, I need to do a 30-day series on community. Maybe you have a community that could use a little TLC in the face of pandemic, murder hornets, protests, and cannibalistic rodents. Maybe you don’t have one yet and are trying to figure out how to move from friends to framily (that’s a friend family for the uninitiated). Maybe you have a strong framily but want to make sure that all members of your community are seen and appreciated and you’re not even sure who you’re not seeing.

I hope these next 30 days will help.

Day Thirty: Connect to What's Next

Thirty posts in thirty days! Whew. Even with shorter posts, I’m pretty proud of this. I’ve been thinking about what should come next, especially as it seems like what was once two weeks became four and then six and well, who knows? Isn’t the uncertainty the worst? Ok, maybe not the worst but it’s definitely doing a number on me.

What I do know is that at the end of this we’re going to need all our community building skills. I watched an interview with a pandemic expert a few weeks ago and she said one of the unfortunate parts of this crisis has been that a lot of our old social groups – the Elks, the Rotarians, even the volunteer Red Cross – have been on the decline. Those groups have typically been the ones to pick up the pieces in a crisis, helping get resources to those in need. I’m part of our PTA and even just being a member there has helped me to pitch in to help out. That’s my vision of what’s next – figuring out how to get involved these local support structures so that we have better local information and avenues to help.

What about you? What’s next for you after this? We’ve got the luxury of time, which feels very odd in a crisis. I want to encourage you to think about what you want to change for the future, in your own life or out in the world.

Tomorrow is Easter, the celebration of life beyond death, the rebirth and renewal of all that felt lost. I’m going to take it off from blogging and probably spend the day hiding eggs for my kids and trying to make up for the fact that there won’t be 15 kids searching with them. A lot feels lost right now and I am taking it as an article of faith that there will be renewal after all this.

On Monday, I’ll pick up where I left off a month ago. Longer posts, three times a week. The schedule (you know, the made up one in my head) has me writing about forbearance and, soon, compassion. In a time when we’re being asked to give up so much to help others, I really can’t see anything better to talk about.

Take care, friends.

Day Twenty-Nine: Connect to Rest

I feel like I am more tired than ever, even though I’m not running around like crazy anymore. Now, that may be some low grade depression setting in, but probably it’s my body saying, Oh, do we get to have what we need now? Great, I’d like a nap. I’m doing my best to listen but after a few decades of running from one thing to another, it’s hard to slow down.

If you’re at home like me, there is no reason for us not to listen to our bodies right now. That rest might look like a calm walk or a peaceful cup of coffee. It might look like hitting the snooze button or telling your kids you’re going to sit and read for 10 minutes whether they like it or not.

If you’re considered essential and working outside right now, this is probably the equivalent of Black Friday, Finals Week, and the first three months of parenthood all mixed together. Thank you for what you’re doing and in so far as it is possible, I wish you peace and rest. I wish you safety and calm. I wish you endurance and strength. And when this is all over, I hope you get the mother of all naps. One of those really good long ones where you don’t even know if it’s day or night and you need a cup of coffee to wake up after it. I hope there’s a cuddly cat or dog sleeping next to you.

So today, home or not, what’s one thing you can do to rest? How can you listen to what your body needs right now?

Day Twenty-Eight: Connect to Valuing This Time

Yesterday at lunch everything just became too much for my kids. It had been a rough morning of school with technical difficulties, frustrations and missing teachers. They’d been playing for a while and gotten tired and annoyed with each other. And finally, the fights just came to a head and Magnolia said the same thing she’s said 1,000 times, “I want my old life back.”

So we sat there and said all of the things we missed. And all of the things we were sad would never happen. Spring concerts. The field trip to the zoo. Playdates. In-class birthday celebrations. Art class. Swim class. Playgrounds. Recess. Coffee shops. Any shops. Pedicures. Friends. Teachers. All the other adults who help us share the load of parenting.

We all cried for awhile and just grieved. I don’t think we can truly value this time until we acknowledge that it comes at a cost. All the fun, happy memories we’re supposed to be making? All the baking and art and board games? Every one of us is paying for that time in some loss. It may be small to us, but the field trips cancelled? That means something to these kids. The friends they fear will forget them? That’s real.

I want us all to value this time for what it is – a break from normal to help us rethink things. But part of connecting to that is connecting to the parts of normal we really want to rebuild. So, yes, let’s enjoy the extra movie nights and time spent snuggling, but I think if we really want to value you this time, we will let it teach us how beautiful and wonderful the normal really was.

Day Twenty-Seven: Connect To Trusting Yourself

Every day of my adult life, I have felt incapable of something asked of me. Whether that be as an employee, parent, friend, or simply a person, every day has brought a moment where I think, “Well, shit. How am I going to figure this one out?” Now, it doesn’t help that I’m constantly jumping into things I have no idea about, and then there were the surprise twins, and of course the second career I’m making up as I go along. Either way though, I’ve come to the conclusion that being a grown-up just means accepting that feeling as a fact of life.

But when I look back, even when I was feeling like a duck out of water, I was able to do some pretty cool things. I’ve been around long enough to see that just because I feel like I don’t know how to do something doesn’t mean I can’t do it. I’m slowly learning how to trust myself.

So today, let’s admit it. We don’t know how to live in a world where this disease is going to be around for another year at least. We don’t know how to survive whatever economic upheaval is coming. We don’t know how to keep staying in our houses with no idea when we’ll be allowed to come back out.

But just because we don’t know how to do it doesn’t mean we can’t figure it out. Us humans, we’re really good at figuring stuff out. And until it’s figured out, we’ll make do, even if we feel completely incompetent and unprepared.

So let’s trust ourselves. We’ll get through it.

Day Twenty-Six: Connect to Giving Yourself A Break

Yesterday was rough. I was antsy, the girls were frustrated and Forrest had a lot of work that had to get done in the middle of a house of tantrums and yelling. Even bedtime was rough, something that hasn’t been true around here for at least 3 or 4 years. We found ourselves outside in the rain trying to coax a child back in, because yes, we knew she wanted to go find a new family, and yes, we knew we were the worst parents ever, but there’s a quarantine on and no where else to go.

So today, I’m connecting to giving myself a break. Mistakes were made. No point in dwelling. We’ve had a lot of togetherness time and we can’t all be some beatific homesteaders who just love playing games and telling jokes as we pop popcorn over the fire.

What can you do to make your life easier today? Extend screen time for the kids? Hide in the garage for a few minutes? Order pizza for dinner? Give yourself a break, we’re all doing our best.

Day Twenty-Five: Connect to Celebration

I recently read an article about how many people believe that when crisis hits, human beings become really selfish and cutthroat. We all think that every man will be for himself and we need to protect our own first. In reality, the vast majority of humans, in crisis moments, become incredibly pro-social. We help each other out, we sacrifice, we give back and then we look around for anyone else who is in need.

I know we’ve heard about all the people hoarding hundreds of rolls of toilet paper or that guy who bought thousands of bottles of hand sanitizer to resell at higher prices. Those people exist, but they’re few and far between. Most of us are working really, really hard to help out how we can, even if that just means sitting tight.

How can we celebrate that? This is the big, hard thing of our time and although it’s not as heroic as going to war, giving up an entire life, putting human life before personal desires, trusting that we’ll all work to rebuild when this is over – these are worthy of celebration. And for the first time that I’ve heard of, the whole world is working together to stop this thing. Yes, there’s bickering, and yes, not everyone is at their best, but I’m proud of us. Let’s take a moment to celebrate our sacrifices, big and small.

Day Twenty-Four: Connect to Learning Something New

About two weeks ago, I started going a little nutty. Poor Forrest watched as I wavered between freaking out and getting frustrated, trying to put on a brave face while everything was going very, very wrong all around us. About three days into my breakdown, I realized that the routine that our family used to have wasn’t just to accommodate the needs of work and school. It helped us organize our days and eased transitions with the kids.

I wasn’t planning on putting down a daily schedule we all followed ruthlessly. For one, the rest of my family were much more ok with the PJs all day situation. For two, there wasn’t much point in stressing us all out about time and schedules if there were no actual consequences. I ended up making a list of half a dozen things I wanted to do each day. Mostly the list had things as simple as taking a shower and going for a walk. But at the bottom, I wrote, “Learn How to Do Something New.”

It has been one of the better parts of this forced quarantine. I’ve downloaded Duolingo and there’s now a judgy owl icon helping me learn a new language. We’ve made bagels from scratch which turned out…mostly edible. Rowan taught me a card game she learned from friends which is pretty much Three-Card Monty. (Kids these days.) At least I feel like I’m moving forward despite standing still.

What can you learn today, big or small?

Day Twenty-Three: Connect to Meditation

Story time: During my first pregnancy, many, many people told me to try meditation. I can only assume that was because I seemed so intense, so stressed that they basically were letting me know that I needed to chill out already. At the time, I rejected everything about that suggestion. In fact, one of my mantras during labor was “Fuck meditation.” I repeated it over and over to myself as I used sheer will to get through the pain.

I’d like to think I’m a different person now. That’s not really true. My first reaction to a problem is always to work it. To hack at it, try to solve it, and if all else fails, burst through any brick wall in front of me. But, in the last decade, I have gained enough wisdom to know that there are some things that intensity and will aren’t going to make better. So I’ve learned to meditate.

I’ve learned to breathe, to tense muscles and release, and occasionally just lay on my floor and let my many, many anxious thoughts drift along. These days I have a lot of cortisol and adrenaline coursing through my body and not a lot of ways to get away from the stress. (As I write this, Willow is literally running around the house neighing like a horse and has been for an hour. It’s adorable and mind-blowingly annoying.)

Consider taking some time to take in some quiet, listening to your breaths and helping your body calm all the way down. If you need help, check out some guided meditations on YouTube. It’s just one small thing you can do today to help stay sane.

Day Twenty-Two: Connect to Old Games

I have one coronavirus goal. I want to teach my kids how to play hearts. I remember learning how to play on a screened in porch in the middle of a summer storm with cousins, brothers and one uncle who I think must have drawn the short straw of entertaining us that day. I remember laughing and losing and maybe, very occasionally, winning a game or two.

We’ve played pretty much every board game we own by this point. In our house, that’s saying something. So I’m forcing my kids to go back in time with me, to when a pack of cards and a tattered copy of Hoyle’s card game rulebook were enough for an afternoon’s entertainment.

At the same time, I have to remember that we did our fair share of arguing, fighting and even crying over games lost. Perhaps that’s part of the charm of it, remembering how serious we used to take it all. Well, I have the excuse (honor? responsibility?) of introducing my own children to the joys of rummy, gin, crazy eights and perhaps even poker.

What games did you like to play when you were young? Can you make time for them today?

Day Twenty-One: Connect to a New Pace

I read a fair amount of historical books, both fiction and nonfiction. Most of the time, I’m happy to read about war, famine, political upheaval and oppression from the comfort of our La-Z-Boy. Nevertheless, as someone who loves sleep a lot, I’ve always envied how humans used to pretty much go to sleep with the sun.

I feel like our family has settled into a different pace of life. Not slower, because there is a lot of activity at home with three kids. But different. There’s more variability, less concentration. There’s more creativity, less learning. There are more emotions, less space. Can I tell you? I hate this new pace. I miss our routines, our happy walks to school, seeing my friends and theirs and ending the day talking about our individual adventures.

But our life is the way it is for the foreseeable future and I’m trying to connect to this new pace. I’m learning to recognize when I need to hide away for a few minutes, or encourage a kid to go for a little walk around the block to cool off. I’m learning to appreciate the frenetic activity of children and accept that some day, some beautiful far-off day, I will not accidentally stick my hand in an unknown sticky substance on my kitchen table. We’re all working really, really hard to remember that this is a day-by-day lifestyle and getting too far ahead is only going to make us depressed or anxious

How are you adjusting to a new pace? What are you struggling with?

Day Twenty: Connect to Distractions

I, for one, am tired of living in these eight rooms. I feel like I pass from bedroom to kitchen to living room and then back to bed again. Most of all, we’re all getting bored around here. I love my family very much but it’s been a month now of staring just at them and we need some distractions.

If ever there was a time to watch stupid reality TV, it is this moment. If ever there was a time for silly games like MadLibs, it is this moment. If ever there was a time to listen to ABBA and dance around the house, it is this moment.

It’s ok to stop being serious and stop being productive. Our brains, in normal life, have all sorts of transition times. Commutes, stopping at stores on the way home, even just walking down the hall to get a cup of coffee is more restful than living and working in the same space. Add on a couple other people trying to do the same thing and it can feel like there’s activity all around you all the time.

So consider downloading an audiobook (free through Libby or Overdrive), watching cat videos on YouTube, or even coloring a page or two. Give your brain a break.