Day Nineteen: Connect to What You CAN Do

We’ve all been shut up in our houses for a long time now and all I can see over and over are the things I can’t do anymore. Parks? All closed. Friends? Quarantining. Shopping? Online only. Even something as simple as going to the grocery store for some things I forgot becomes a hard decision. When my mind sees restriction after restriction, I start to obsess and resist. All of a sudden I can’t stop thinking about going for a hike or having coffee with a friend. I can’t stop fantasizing about a quiet house and children tired out from school and activities.

But down that path lies insanity. I have to connect to the things I am able to do right now. Not in a blindly optimistic way. This is not the time to pretend that my family gets along at all moments or that parenting is just a bundle of rainbows. In some ways, I have to admit how hard this has been just so I can start tapping into the small things that I’m not restricted from doing.

To relax, I can do deep breathing. To rest, I can go to bed earlier. To have fun, I can read trashy novels. I can also download Duolingo and learn a new language. I can sit in my garden and feel the air on me. And most of all, I can forgive all of us for our rough moments. This is not normal and we are allowed to be less than our best. So what can you do today, even this moment, to make life just a little better?

Day Eighteen: Connect to Helping Others

It’s hard, in this time, to know what to do. We hear of doctors and nurses performing extraordinary feats of endurance, courage and innovation. And here I am, looking forward to my evening episode of Call the Midwife. One of the fundamental tenets of my life is that each of us, in our way, in this moment, has something to offer the world. Some days we won’t because we’ll need to recharge. Some days we won’t because we’ll be receiving help from other people.

But we do have something to offer even now. So consider taking some time today to what you have to offer. Is it a phone call with a kind word? A willingness to skype with a family with young children to give parents a break? A walk where you wave wholeheartedly at people you pass?

Or is it something bigger? A grocery run for someone stuck at home? The beginning of a project that will become a much loved gift? Help with yardwork for someone infirm who can’t get landscaping services right now?

Helping each other keeps us connected. Keeping connected gives us hope. And hope is what will carry us through hard times. What can you do today to help each other?

Day Seventeen: Connect to Movement

I’ll admit it. I am definitely using the excuse of children being at home to not exercise. After all, we can’t really go out, and it’s hard to find time when they’re always here, right? Right? No matter that they want to join me and it’s really good for us all.  But there are some days and times when getting moving is what is keeping me sane. Even a short walk down to our mailbox is enough to help clear the blahs. And with my general state of non-strength, I’m pretty much maxed out with 10 minutes of YouTube workouts.

Our bodies need to keep moving. And our brains need our bodies to keep moving. And we forget how much of our normal lives involved movement. Walking to school. Climbing the stairs at work. Even just going shopping involves more activity than we’re getting.

The girls have discovered some kids yoga classes that they’re doing for their P.E. classes and as silly as they are, they’re helping keep the stress down and making us feel more energized. It’s easy to fall prey to the urge to just slug around for the next six months but even just a little movement and some fresh air will help us keep sane and carry on.

Day Sixteen: Connect To Creating Something

When I was in college, I often worked myself to the bone, coming out of a semester exhausted, having eaten too many microwave meals and not getting outside nearly enough. I remember looking around at the wreckage of my dorm room after my last final and thinking, All that work, and nothing really to show for it. I know now that I was moving toward a better future but it was hard to put in hour after hour of studying and not be able to see any tangible results.

So I started an informal tradition of making something the first week I was on break. One year I learned how to sew some skirts, another I learned to knit, others I baked or drew or planted. It gave me a chance to look at my creation and feel proud of that one little thing.

I’m falling back on my old habits. The girls and I have been making hand knitted blankets (literally, using just your hands) to help us pass the time and give us some sense of accomplishment. Rowan and Forrest build a puppet theater from some old boxes so she could give us a puppet show. (Featuring, oddly, a mother who keeps yelling at the kids and dogs to be quiet…not sure who she could be talking about…) We’ve been baking up a storm and enjoying our creations very much.

Connect today to what you can create with this time. What can you make that will last?

Day Fifteen: Connect to Good Stories

I’d like to think that we’ve started to develop some sort of rhythm around here. We’re doing our school time, the grownups have figured out how to (mostly) get work done, we’re getting sleep, and with all the home cooking, we’ve been eating much healthier. We are all still driving each other crazy, but at least we know what we’re supposed to be doing when we’re driving each other crazy.

Most of the reason we’ve been getting on each other’s nerves is that we’re bored. Even with five people, two dogs, and one cat, we’re bored. Even with work and school and an entire room full of toys, we’re bored. We used to all go our separate ways during the day and then come back and share the interesting, frustrating, or downright hilarious things that we’d experienced. (One day the twins recounted how a kindergartner had gotten frustrated at recess and gone on a crotch-kicking spree as children ran in fear and recess aides tried to catch him. I laughed so hard I cried.)

We need to make sure that we’re still feeding our brain interesting stories. That can happen through books, movies, tv or even just retelling the good moments of the past. Revisit the stories you have loved, explore new stories that intrigue you. Remember that stories are how humans cope with complicated emotions and concepts. We bring them to life and then turn them over and over in our minds.

What stories are helping you right now?

Day Fourteen: Connect to Relatives

My kids have, of late, been connecting with their school friends through a series of Zoom meetings, which as far as I can tell, mostly just involve them showing off their dolls and pets and rooms and artwork to each other. But it’s making them happy to talk to these friends, who in many cases, are literally the next block over. I feel sad that they can’t just go over and play.

But, since seeing friends is going to happen over the internet anyway, why not expand that group of people to include cousins, aunts, uncles and grandparents. We Skype with the grandparents weekly around here but our cousin online hangouts are rare. Partially because kids do get bored just talking, talking, talking. So we’ve explored online gaming over the internet, as well as shorter video chats.

For us older people, being isolated is reminding me of all those relatives I don’t see often but who are, like me, juggling this giant thing of being home and trying to work and trying to homeschool and trying to not get sick and trying to not get anyone sick. Not everyone wants to reach out when facing all of this stress but it’s not the worst idea to pick up the phone and give someone a call. It may just be they were feeling scared and now they’re not.

So, today, consider reaching out to relatives. Write a note, text, call, FaceTime, whatever. Let’s take advantage of this time to strengthen our bonds.

Day Thirteen: Connect to Neighbors

In our neighborhood right now, people aren’t going out much. You’ll see someone walking a dog occasionally, or a family with kids out on a bike ride, but our streets would usually have a steady stream of runners, people waiting at bus stops, grandmothers pushing strollers and lots and lots of kids coming and going to school. I miss that. I miss spontaneously seeing my neighbors and friends and checking in on how they are doing.

But I also know a lot of my neighbors are older and have been scared of this thing longer than I have. So how can I connect to them? Of course, I can offer to help with groceries and the like. Around here, grocery delivery is pretty common and I see the trucks coming and going to people’s houses. We’ve been out in our front yard doing yard work a lot (again, it’s kid-free time) and I’m trying to wave to everyone who goes by.

I wonder if we have to figure out what spontaneously neighborly connection means in this time. Maybe it means trying to sit outside sometimes so we can at least give people the briefest of human connection. Maybe it means staying inside to respect that what our neighbors need is our care for their safety. Maybe it means something as silly as bringing out some sidewalk chalk to help other people smile when they walk by.

I’m not quite sure yet but I know we need to try. What are you doing or seeing that is connecting you to your neighbors?

Day Twelve: Connect to New Friends

As of this November, our family has lived in our house for 10 years, which is the longest I’ve ever lived in one residence. Being able to be in one place for this long has been a beautiful gift for me, as I have gotten to really be a part of our small community as it grows and changes. Just last week, Forrest and I realized that as we’ve made small changes to our garden each year, it’s really grown into something cool. At first, it was just a giant mess of raised beds that we built in between toddler tantrums. But each year, we’ve added something: cedar mulch, irrigation systems, trellises for climbing flowers, elevated beds for herbs. And those additions have made what was once a weed strewn lawn into a pretty cool place to be.

But as much as I have very much put down roots (get it? Haha.) I don’t ever want to forget what it was like to be new somewhere. Not just the loneliness and making of new friends, but the lack of answers for basic questions. Where do you get a good plumber? How does the public transportation system work? Where are these places I hear about on the news? Who the hell is Tim Eyman? (For non-Seattleites, he’s our local tax activist who keeps running ballot measures to decrease funding for the government. On the day after the governor cancelled gatherings of 250+ people, Eyman promoted a rally for specifically 251 people to flout the restrictions.)

In this time of isolation and confusion, I can imagine those questions must be even more acute. So if you know someone who has moved to where you are in the last year, reach out today. Make sure they know and have what they need. How can you be there for them in this time?

Day Eleven: Connect to Old Friends

So, there’s this app on my phone called Marco Polo. On it, you record a video message, which then gets sent to a friend, who records their response and so on and so forth. I love it, especially as I primarily use it with friends who have completely different schedules from my own. It keeps us from the phone tag that only ends with me trying to have a conversation while getting my kids ready for school. Although, I guess these days, getting my kids ready for school means handing them their tablets and telling them to put on pants, please.

The downside of Marco Polo is that I don’t always respond immediately…or in the month after a message comes through. It falls to the bottom of my to do list, which is made up of much more urgent things that don’t make me nearly as happy as my old friends. Well, in this time of quarantine, I have no more urgent things. We’ve been out of school for 19 days now so all pre-made plans and obligations have been long cancelled.

So now I have time. Time to check in on that friend who just got a big new job. Or who I haven’t seen in a couple decades. Time to really chat. We’re all sharing this big experience, right? Let’s re-connect to the people who once filled our lives and can help us remember a time that was, maybe not easier, but different. How has life changed them and us? What’s new and exciting for them? What a gift we have right now. Let’s use it.

Day Nine: Connect to Good Food

Around here, we cook a lot. It’s easier to manage blood sugars when you know what’s in the food you’re serving, so with the exception of Friday night takeout, every meal is cooked by Forrest or me. There have been times in my life when that has been completely exhausting, but for now, I could not be more thankful that our eating habits don’t really need to change at all.

That said, when you’re cooking from scratch day after day, trying to figure out yet another way to cook chicken can be a bit of a bear. And since we’re in a season of being forced to connect via the internet, I thought we could all share the food that is making our days bearable. So, today, here’s one of our family’s favorite recipes and one of our quickest and easiest, too. If you’re up for it, share some with me in the comments or on Facebook.

Tom Ka Gai (Thai Coconut Soup)

1 lb boneless skinless chicken breast, cut in 1 inch cubes

2 cans coconut milk

2 c water

1 stalk lemongrass, sliced lengthwise into 3 in strips

8 oz mushrooms, quartered

2 tbsp ginger, minced if you like it spicy, sliced if you want to be able to take them out

¼ c fish sauce

¼ c lime juice

½ tsp turmeric

½ tsp cayenne

3 green onions, sliced

Saute chicken in oil over medium-high heat for 5 minutes. Pour in coconut milk and water, bring to a boil. Lower heat and add lemongrass, mushrooms, ginger, fish sauce, lime juice, turmeric, and cayenne. Simmer for 15-20 min, until chicken is done. Stir in green onions. Serve over rice or quinoa.

Day Eight: Connect to Grief

I’ve seen a lot of hot takes recently that play on the feelings of, “Other generations have had to do much harder things, what are you complaining about?” I’ve never been a big fan of playing Suffering Olympics because it seems pointless to me. If you’re in pain, it doesn’t make it less that someone is in more pain. In fact, if you refuse to deal with your own pain, you’ll eventually be so exhausted from trying to ignore it that you’ll be of no use to anyone.

So, yes, other people have had it worse. But this is not a small thing. We’ve given up much of our sense of normalcy, many of our routines, and a lot of our certainty about the future. Does any of us think the world will be the same after this? It’s ok to grieve that change. I am sad that my kids don’t get to have a regular school year. I am sad for all the weddings, funerals, graduations and celebrations that are cancelled. I am sad for all the small things that I will have to let go of, all the plans I worked for that are changing. I am grieving, the emotion we feel when we lose something that was important to us.

Until we admit that grief is a part of our life, in both big and small ways, we will spend a lot of energy trying to run away from or ignore it. At the same time, honoring our grief allows us to be thankful for all the things we have had and still do. I am sad about losing my sense of safety, but that brings out the sacred joy I feel when I get to have those moments back. I get to play outside with my kids and dance to the radio and cook good food and be more thankful for those things than I have been in a long time.

What are you grieving today, big or small? How can you honor that?

Day Seven: Connect to Your Fears

I just saw a quote from author Kate Bowler, “We are a nation addicted to optimism.” Wow, in the midst of all of this I have never felt that to be more true. Because all I see around me is the most optimistic, “We can do it!” attitudes in the midst of seriously bleak predictions and unknowable futures. At this point, I’ve been home with both kids and husband for about two and half weeks. And I’ve felt less than optimistic a lot.

It took me about a week and a half to finally give up the ghost. For that first week, I was strong, I was excited, this was good family time, we were going to get through this! And then they shut down the restaurants, and told us not to see anyone else, and said the teachers couldn’t even contact the students until they got this whole thing figured out with the state superintendent. At that point, I got afraid. Afraid of getting sick. Afraid of getting so sick that we can’t care for the kids. Afraid that after this, there will be no way to keep the economy afloat and we’re in for another recession, another depression.

All of those fears are still here. But until I acknowledge them, they’re going to control me. Once I can look them in the eye, connect with not only the legitimacy of my fears but also my ability to navigate them, then I can begin to move forward. We decide what we need to do, manage our fears, and then move forward. But if we skip that middle step, we’re going to stumble. We’re going to act selfishly or hurtfully or turn inward when we need to be reaching out.

So, today, what are you afraid of? What will you need to mitigate that fear?

Day Six: Connect To Reliable Information

I’ll admit it, I am an information addict. Whenever something interesting is happening, I’ll read article after article trying to get my mind around what really going on, what life is really like for the people experiencing it. And when something’s happening to me, I want all the details about what to expect, what to watch out for and what other peoples’ experiences with the same thing have been like. So, needless to say, this whole quarantine has been challenging for me. It’s just me, a houseful of people, my phone, and the whole wide internet to scare the crap out of us all.

I’ve seen and heard a lot of things on social media that I later learned weren’t true. Those things were often the ones that scared me the most and it’s probably their sensational nature that caught my attention in the first place. And it’s scary. I want to know how long I need to be locked down. I want to know what life will look like when this is all over. I want to know how to keep my family safe.

We’re not getting a whole lot of accurate information from the official sources and what they do say keeps changing. From spending January thinking it was a far-away problem to February believing the threat was contained, waking up to March when our lives would change so dramatically and so quickly has me searching for answers.

So, I need to connect to reliable information. Our local public health blog has been wonderful at telling us what’s happening and when. The Seattle Times has been doing some amazing coverage on what it’s like to live under quarantine and what the hospitals are going through. And if you want the straight facts, this website is aggregating data from local sources and confirming them with public health records: https://coronavirus.1point3acres.com/en?fbclid=IwAR3Y6QSE74FJpCOA0i7rUppvY6loY9ri4rIqqOgY-tQjrAL7CWcDB6ERtII

What reliable sources of information are you using?

Day Five: Connect to Nature

Researchers have long known that nature is restorative and thankfully, in this time, outside is one of the few places that are 100% ok to be. Unless you live in the very middle of the very biggest cities in our world, you have access to nature, whether that be through a park, or even just watching birds through your window.

When I was in undergraduate, I had to take some non-major requirements and I chose a class on how physical space can affect our brains. As the professor talked about the use of nature to promote mental health, he remarked that we don’t fully know why but one theory is that nature induces fascination, which is the opposite of concentration.

Concentration is forced focus. We know we need to pay attention and so we berate, bribe or occasionally caffeinate our brains into doing it. Fascination is not only unforced focus, but focus we can’t get control. When something fascinates us, our brains take over, giving our executive functions a break for awhile. Nature is so appealing to the human brain. Mostly predictable, with moments of surprise. Elements of interest interspersed with peaceful input to all of our senses. It’s a recipe designed to help us calm down.

Can you interact with nature today? Can you get your hands in some dirt or take a walk through a park? What fascinates you and gives your brain a break?

Day Four: Connect to Peace

There’s a lot of news out there that is very scary. But if you’re already doing everything you should, worry really is going to be like the proverbial rocking chair. Lots of motion, no progress. I’ve had to limit my internet time and habits to make sure that I’m not just reading article after article about how bad everything is. Instead, today I’m going to focus on what calms me and I’m going to appreciate it for the sacred gift it is.

Even something as small as a cup of coffee or tea can bring me peace. The warm cup, the steam, the first sips that are too hot and the reminder that this ritual has helped me open every day for decades. Peace can come in the form of music that brings good memories, food that makes you happy, an interesting conversation or a long-loved book that you’ve read time and time again.

When things are chaotic, our brains long for stability. So give peace to yourself with the small things you can control. If there ever was a time for that extra bowl of ice cream, it’s now. If there ever was a time to rewatch your favorite movie, it’s now.

What can you do today to remind your brain that not everything has changed?

Day Three: Connect to Humor

By now, we’ve all been spending a lot of time together and as the defining reality show of my generation, The Real World, says, “Find out what happens when people stop being polite and start getting real.” Ok, ok, I am dating myself here, but it’s true. Stick any group of people in a house for long enough and we’re going to get grumpy.

So, I ask here: What makes you laugh? Stupid jokes? Bad movies? Silly board games? Klutzy animals? Take some time and remember that it’s necessary to enjoy the small things. I don’t know how many times I’ve seen Tommy Boy with Chris Farley and David Spade, but it cracks me up every time. The girls are on a steady diet of Rocky and Bullwinkle and it is so dumb and so funny.

I need to stay connected to the good there is in the world, even if that good is in the form of a fart joke. And sharing that humor connects us to each other. Shared humor will be one of my life rafts.

I still remember playing card games on rainy vacation days as a child. I remember playing something that we called full-contact Yahtzee, which I think meant that we hit each other while playing? I don’t even know but I remember laughing and laughing and laughing.

What’s going to do that for you today?

Day Two: Connect to the Past

Audiobooks are saving our lives over here. Our library has Libby, an online portal that lets us download ebooks and audiobooks for three weeks at a time. We all take our personal space by popping on headphones and letting someone else do the reading.

As for me, I’m listening to Prairie Fires by Caroline Fraser. It’s not a happy read, as it follows Laura Ingalls Wilder through her real life, not the child-friendly version she recounted in Little House on The Prairie. It adds context to what was happening to families just like hers. I’m reminded that our individual stories are not so different from the lives of generations just making it through times of upheaval and unpredictability. I’m reminded that even when systems fail and governments make big, big mistakes, us humans have a way of making it work. We build, we connect, we sacrifice and then we get through it. I need that reminder today. Living through history, in Magnolia’s words, sucks. But it’s not like it hasn’t been done before.

So find a book or movie today, whether fiction or non, that celebrates and explores the very ordinary lives of people triumphing over difficulty. Because we will get through this. We really will. And together, we might get through it stronger, more compassionate and more aware of our ability to do hard things.

Day One: Connect to the Future

Today I want to encourage you to think about a medium term project in your living space that you could be making some progress on. Around here, that’s redoing the girls’ room to turn it from Purple Paradise for toddlers into a Teal Tween Hangout. The girls have long been clamoring for more space but living in a very expensive housing market means there is never going to be a house for them where everyone has their own room. We sat down last month and talked about what they really need. And that thing is small areas that are just theirs. So, we’re turning the bunk beds into loft beds, repainting the room into a more grown-up color, and getting better storage furniture that meets the needs of now instead of 5 years ago when we did it up the first time.

I am utterly overwhelmed by doing this with 3 kids at home plus a husband trying to work in our guest room/office/playroom across the hall. But it’s helping us to focus on the future. There will be a day when life is normal again. And since it’s not right now, why not take advantage of the chaos and make a positive change?

Do you have some plants you want to start? A closet you want to reorganize? A craft project that’s been sitting on a shelf? A piece of art that’s waiting to be started?

Set a goal. Break it down into day by day. Get started. Your future self is out there thanking you for using this time to make their life better.

Welcome!

Hi everyone!

Probably most of you know me already but welcome to my blog! I plan to use this space however I damn well please but the first project I’m going to explore is becoming a connection builder. I’ve long been interested in how we individually and systemically try to figure out the loneliness of American life. After working within systems, alongside them and occasionally in opposition to them, I’m realizing, like so many modern problems, no one is coming to save us. There are no institutions that can bring about the cultural shift we need to build the deep connections that support and sustain us as human beings, friends, parents, and community members. We are our own saviors. To that end, we must begin to take our roles as connection builders seriously and work to change our neighborhoods and communities. This will take nothing less than a million small choices. Choices to be curious instead of indifferent, generous instead of self-protective, appreciative instead of judgmental. I’m hoping this blog will spur conversation and action, encouraging each of us to build our webs of relationships so that we can make sure that no one we know falls through unnoticed.