We’re Not Doing That Anymore
Last weekend, I was on a walk with my daughter. She started to downplay one of her recent accomplishments. A pretty big one, to be honest, and one that she had worked toward for the last 12 months. Day in, day out, practicing, getting better, overcoming obstacles, and pushing herself to be her best.
And she told me that she felt like a poser.
“Oh,” I said, “we’re not doing that anymore.”
“What?” she asked.
“Imposter syndrome. The moms have decided. We’re giving it up for your generation. When you guys are amazing, which you often are, we’re not going to feel bad about it anymore, got it?”
“Oh. Okay.”
We finished our walk, talking about what she’s going to do next, how she’s going to get there, and how good it’s going to feel when she does.
Yesterday I decided something for us: for the people my age, mostly women.
We’re not going to feel bad about feeling sick anymore. We’re not going to feel guilty because we spent our 20s and 30s pushing our bodies to the limit and now things are breaking down. And we’re especially not going to feel bad about admitting what it takes to live in a body that maybe isn’t showing up the way it used to.
Because it’s not just you.
I talk to a lot of women, and I’m not great at small talk so things often get very deep weirdly fast. I cannot count the number of people who have told me that they have recently developed health issues that are chronic, life-altering, and severe. I’m talking everything from MS to daily migraines to vertigo to the kind of fatigue that keeps you down for days.
A lot of us feel guilty or ashamed about that. We feel bad that it's twice as hard to do half as much as we used to. That we have to psych ourselves up to get dressed. That some days everything is fine and some days everything hurts (or is numb. Or spins. Take your pick.)
Last Thursday, I had a bad day. It was a bad day in my body and a bad day in my brain. I worked from my bed, sat down during my shower because I couldn’t stand, and cried to my therapist. And I felt so lazy and guilty and worthless.
But we’re not doing that anymore.
Because I wasn’t lazy before this season of life came to me. And I’m not lazy now. What I am is aware. I’m not ignoring the work it takes, every day, to live my life. I’m not pretending like I’m okay, pushing myself past my limits, giving 110% every day. I’m resting on the decades of wisdom that I built up, realizing that some of those balls I am juggling are glass and some are plastic and I’m smart enough to know which ones will bounce.
I don’t know what the path out of this season looks like. Maybe we’ll be like this forever. That’s terrifying thought, but also an empowering one. If this is it, this is life, then what do we have to lose by losing the shame? It’s not like it’s helping, is it? And if we shame ourselves too much, sooner or later we might shame our sisters. And we’re definitely not doing that anymore.
So, let’s make a promise to accept the truth: we are all trying our best and that looks different than it used to. We will find our way through this, together, the way we were always meant do.
Agreed? Agreed.